You are viewing rachel_michelle

Rachel-Michelle's Journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
2:55 pm - The Final Entry
Everything has a beginning and everything must have an end. This journal ends with this entry. I know this may come as a shock, but life comes and leaves so very fast. Why not experiment and live it as we should? Perhaps our ambitions and our goals should never be the same.

I'm going to end this journal with a very simple note. Remember that there are always two answers to every question. You don't need to be perfect in life. Life isn't perfect. You just need to be satisfied. If you can reach satisfaction, you don't need perfection. Maybe that's what I'm trying to say. Maybe that's what I've been longing to hear.

Today turns a new leaf and a bright flower blooms. Do we ever ask the flower if it is happy? No. Yet we assume it is. And although the flower does not possess the same conscious mind in which humans do, it does therefore represent an important function. Maybe we should all become one with this function. Maybe the good of the many actually does outweigh the good of the few. Who would have thoug ht that Mr. Spock would have actually been right?

Lead your own life and don't lead your life as if you're living for everyone else. You're not. You're living for yourself. This week has meant a lot to me. It has opened my eyes to something and now I'm actually beginning to see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. And it feels good. And it feels good to feel good.

Good luck to all of you and may you forever shine as an individual with meaning and purpose. Because we all possess that. This journal ends, but surely another person only begins their own quest into life's many battles and wars. To that person or persons, I wish the greatest of luck and good fortune. Keep searching and sooner or later you'll find the answer you need to hear. It won't be necessarily the answer you want to hear, but it will be the one which will bring you both peace and prosperity. God bless you all and make your lives worth living.

- Me.e

current mood: accomplished

(comment on this)

Friday, March 29th, 2002
8:11 pm - A Rose Loses it's Petal
Alas, my rose, my one true love,
where others have seen your crimson smile,
awaken, my love, my one true friend,
and join us in planting her corpse within.

It didn't last. Though now I am much more sober. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My vision was only stained by a rough glass. Moving my finger across the hard surface hurt.

I've often times thought of smashing the mirror...possibly with my fist. Maybe just in my mind. My rage is never something I try to transform into the physical. I've always been somewhat intraverted. I suppose that is quite somewhat obvious. There's a trait I wouldn't mind changing.

My mouth stays silent. I don't say anything at all to that point. A passing thought of waking up dead on the floor from an overdose of hormones passes my mind. I've often times thought of the irony generated from such a scenario. It's one of my three ideal ways of dying. Not to say I would prefer it, but to leave my life having the final word would make all the difference. For then the suffering would mean something. The pain would have not been for nothing. I need that revelation in the end. Without it, what is the true purpose in living?

The time is approaching. I wait in silence, but my spirit still cries. I feel somewhat drugged. It's a cold feeling. Somewhat of a depression which passes by through the briefness of one second. It's a second which does not last, yet makes it's mark.

I feel very much alone.

current mood: crushed

(comment on this)

Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
3:50 pm - I'm Back Again
It's been a while. But yes, I'm still breathing. Business is finally picking up so I no doubt will have trouble keeping this thing going. I'm trying to figure out a plan to keep it up and good ideas as of lately.

I'm home right now. Waiting on a phone call. Seems like in the world of initiative, everyone is waiting. We're replacing our goals with anticipation. Oh well. Can't win them all.

Anyway, enough of that. Lately I've been actually finding a cure for depression. Anticipation, itself. And there we are again. But seriously, it's working for me. The actress is alive and she is kicking full swing. I can't wait to hit the markets. Soon I'll be out there and in the circulation of venture capitalists worldwide.

I used to be a liberal-minded full time left-winger. Now I'm questioning my philosophy. Now that business is picking up, I'm developing a for money. I can't stop thinking about it. It's become my number one drive in life. If I'm not making money, I'm thinking about making money. Does that make me evil? My old ideals are being brought into question. I used to value community and love and harmony as the most important venues in life. Now I'm thinking more along the lines of self-determination, self-confidence, and down right am becoming conceited. But in the end, does it really matter whether or not history judges us as good or bad? I mean, really...does it? I'm seriously asking because I don't know. I'm searching for the answer.

I mean...think about it. When I'm dead, what will I care how people view me? I feel greed taking over every inch of my body. It's so overwhelming and so exciting. It feels almost as if I'm crossing the line between good and evil and not really even caring. What should I care? It's my life. It's not exactly what I'd call a good life to begin with.

Plagued with constant anger and misery, now that I've finally found a possible cure why not relish in it? It's actually working. I feel an excitement with greed. I feel for once happy.

"Good artists copy,
great artists steal."

A well placed quote. I don't measure anything as far as morals are concerned. They don't even exist. You can't show me a moral. You can't hand me one on a plate. And what about ethics? You can't show me those either. I've questioned these things, and now I'm far more comfortable with some decisions I will be forced to make in the future.

I have a lot of goals at this point. I still wish to bring awareness to the transgender movement, so I'm not exactly ALL self-minded. But lately I've become a different person. Perhaps just another character in a life of personas. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow morning will bring a new sun which shines freely upon the surface of the earth and changes my outlook once again. I'm still the same person on the inside. Still the anger remains. But now I'm finally trying to find a way to cure all of this. I think I may have found the aspirin I've been looking for.

That's about all I have to say for now. I'll speak with you all again another time.

current mood: relaxed

(comment on this)

Saturday, December 29th, 2001
9:24 am - Morning Once More
I'm somewhat tired. Not really though. I have a lot of energy right now. Trying to figure out how best to use it. I might head to town today to get some fresh air. That would be good. I hear the movie "Lord of the Rings" is good. I might check it out. I watched the making of JAWS yesterday. It reminded me of being on the set of my own film. I suppose it doesn't get much better than that. I like that though.

One of the prop guns broke the other day. It was pretty funny. I think they sent it back for a new one, but I'm not sure. We're still in a "pre-production" mindset toward the project. It could be stressful, but I'm using it more as a stress reliever at this point. It gets my mind off of other things.

Kim P. got voted out of the tribe thursday. How sad. I was hoping she'd win. The others are kind of boring.

I'm currently rambling because I just signed on to messenger and nobody is online right now. It's pretty early now, of course. Just looked at the watch. It's 9:30 AM. That is kinda early I suppose. Not for me, though.

I remember waking up one morning and not remembering who I was or where I was. It was a good feeling. Had there been no mirrors in this house perhaps I would have never remembered. I can't live much longer like this.

Fairwell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies...
Fairwell and adieu to you ladies of Spain...
For we'ver received orders for to sail back to Boston...
And no longer shall we be seeing you again.

current mood: okay

(comment on this)

Friday, December 28th, 2001
3:49 pm - Christmas: 2001
I have been long awaiting a christmas holiday to override the Christmas: 1980 complex. So far I am still waiting. Last year was close, as I nearly found myself killed in a car accident. When I saw that vehicle approaching me with it's headlights, I can't explain what I was thinking. It's sort of like a wish come true. A blessing to die without the sin of suicide to guide you. Pure death. Nothing in this life has been pure. It would have been nice if death could have been more friendly to me.

I am not suicidal, so don't worry (not that whoever the hell is reading this would anyway). But death is something that seems to cure certain aspects of living. Life is just a cage in this world. It surrounds us and binds us into a conformation of living.

My sister is out getting her driver's learner's permit today. She hasn't returned so I don't know if she passed. I didn't pass on my first test. Of course, I also didn't read the book. I just sort of popped in, read the questions, went home to study those questions, and came back ready to answer. Sad thing is I have a clean record. No wrecks, no tickets, no nothing. The automobile accident I was referring to earlier, I was in the back seat.

This coming up week will be interesting. I expect to be voted out of my online game this week. It will be great fun. Everyone will enjoy it. Even me....Especially me. I have one last card to play and am looking forward to using it. It will be fun.

Well, Christmas has come and gone. I'm still here...unfortunately. We went to visit relatives around noon. They were all the same....Dumb. Just dumb. My cousin still taunts me in the mind. I can't get that out of my mind. Do me a favor....If you're happy and you know it...keep it to yourself. The world doesn't doesn't give a shit.

I'm annoyed with my director for no particular reason. I feel like one thousand nails have been slung into my head. Very bad headache. None of these words are even making any sense anymore. It's one hell of a depressing journal.

I think I'll leave here. Continue when optimism once again dawns it's spirit upon my life. See you all then...

current mood: bored

(comment on this)

Monday, December 24th, 2001
4:30 pm - Christmas Eve
You know, I died on Christmas Eve once....It was quite unbearable. There's a story that goes with that. There is also a song. Words don't seem to truly grasp the entity by which I was aiming for in the first place.

It is becoming harder to control certain aspects of my thoughts and thought processes. Yesterday I went out to a "haunted" dirt path that turned out to be nothing more than some stupid dirt road and miles of nothingness. People's credibility begins to waiver in despair. Our film is coming along well and hopefully will be released in a first quarter type of setting for next year. It will be the first 2002 release from our company.

In other news, I'm extremely tired as I went to sleep around 2:30 am and got woken up around 7:15 am this morning. I can't sleep though, but I feel very, very tired. My eyes keep burning every 24 minutes and I just can't keep them closed long enough to find refuge in the covers of my bed. Believe me, I've tried.

I find that time is traveling very slowly. I remember last Christmas as if it were yesterday. That really sucks. I remember feeling exactly as I do right now. Christmas Eve is sometimes extremely painful. It's very much the worst holiday of the 12 month calendar year. No one has called today, so there isn't much to talk about right now. I just got off messenger and was talking to one of my Jewish friends from Texas named Beth. She's awesome. She's going out shopping today I believe. Had to leave and get out there before the stores closed. I guess that's why we did everything this morning so early. I bought a jacket and some movies. Not much else. I'm just waiting for tomorrow to be over with and done. It's such a boring holiday here. These past to Christmas holidays have really sucked. This one appears to be worse. It's almost unbearable. Almost, but not entirely. I'll live.

Okay, well I think they've got something going on at the church tonight, so I'll leave you all in peace. Have a Merry Christmas if you can and try to make the best of it. Hopefully yours will be much more happier than mine.


current mood: tired

(comment on this)

Sunday, October 28th, 2001
2:56 pm - Being Rachel-Michelle (Part Two)
We flipped a coin this morning to see which one of us would have the day. Rachel or Michelle. I've given us each a personality. One which we both had to begin with. And then there is the third wheel...the one we like to forget at times. A last glance of human pain. Almost as if it were sealed to be jolly and wonderful. What a life.

Rachel wins toss up today. Why do I feel like two-face from batman...flipping a coin to determine which one of us enjoys ourselves today. Almost too weird. We were in tears over fighting this out the other night.

Oh, and don't remind me of last night! I saw a girl. One of THOSE types though. The ones that get under my skin and twist at my heart until it is squeezed of all it's worth. God, I hate this!

Tears do not bother the senses so much and we have put a tamper on just how much pain each of us feels. Michelle allows me to show my anger. Rachel allows me to show my love. A balance of both of these is definately a vital part of who it is "I" am. funny thing is it's both. I am both Rachel and Michelle...and the third wheel besides. I feel as both and now live as both. Rachel, the sweet angel who comes from heaven....Michelle, the hurt child who begs for revenge.

What lies in store for today? Who knows? I've decided, however, that I am to write my final project in composition class on being bisexual in a monosexual world. Sexual orientation has never bothered me. I don't even care if people know to be totally hones with whoever is reading this. No. Maybe it's due to the comparison. Maybe it's due to something else. It has never been that big a deal to me.

Oh well. We now shall adjourn for the evening. Goodbye to you all.

In pain always,


current mood: weird

(comment on this)

Friday, October 26th, 2001
8:19 pm - Our Name is Duality
In the ancient times, if one seemed to shudder by notion of the term "duality" they were believed to be possessed.

In modern times, if one seems to shudder by notion of the term "duality" they are committed.

All that has changed is our interpretation.

Dark times travel farther than dark paths will allot to them. One woman is born this night. Her name is one linked to her sister's. They grow up to be side-by-side, joined as one in a twin's life. One becomes a saintly artistic angel...her sister in turn takes on the role of cowardly angered demon. One enjoys the joy of life. The other enjoys the destruction of living all together.

Both sisters are united still. But why? Does family really hold that great an institution? Or is it more than just a bond mounted in blood?

Duality is a lifestyle, not a possessing demon or a mental illness....It is a way of seeing things from two perspectives. Everything in life bifurcates to appease two lifeforms living as one. Duality is a peaceful state. It is not a chaotic madhouse of passionate resolution. No. Duality is a title and a refuge.

Our Name is Duality.

current mood: determined

(comment on this)

Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
9:49 pm - Hello and Goodnight
Maybe I should become a youth minister.

Maybe I should eat something for dinner.

Astronomy lab...not too bad tonight. It's my last night class this week so that might have somethng to do with my "non-caring" attitude. I'm beginning to see a new shade in life. It's a hard color to make out just yet, but we'll be trying our best to decipher.

Got a business meeting coming up on friday. We are approaching the big day. The day we open to a world who anxiously awaits us all. That day...what a day.

Rich wrote back. Figured I should throw that in. Yeah, except he's booked all through the summer of 2002. What a pity. Oh well. Always look on the bright side of Eric Idle would say.

I'm at a loss for words right now. Joined a few online games which might take away some of this boring "free time" I happen to get stuck with upon a daily basis. Some things just weren't meant to be. For everything else there's mastercard.

Okay, well I'm off again. Be back as soon as I have something good to write. Figured I'd just drop by to say "I'm still alive." So there, I said it. See ya real soon.

***but not that soon***

- Rachel-Michelle

current mood: satisfied

(comment on this)

Saturday, October 13th, 2001
10:07 am - Thinking of Caren .... Dreaming of Rich ....
Kind of ironic, isn't it? I was supposed to go to that fair thing yesterday that I didn't want to go to in the first place but ended up forgetting all about it and not going. Hm. Not necessarily a good thing ... but I can't say I'm all that disappointed with the results.

Aside from everything, I've found that that sore on my euvola (I'm spelling it wrong, I know!!!) is actually an olser (Okay, I can't spell. Big Deal. We've already clarified this.) So, I might need something for that. Stress, stress, stress .... Hmmmmm .... Let us try to calm the nerves a bit, shall we?

I've just been sitting around the house all night ... writing love notes to Richard Hatch. Okay, the man isn't exactly sexually appealing ... but his charm ... his personality (if you will) is something I am drawn to. Maybe one day he'll actually respond to one of my letters and we can go off and get married and live on a nude beach or something. I don't know.

Anyway...somebody keeps sending me stupid notes on AOL. Wish they'd stop. Don't know who they are. I'm tempted to warn them, but I won't. At least, not yet. Sooner or later I might. But then again ... who knows?

I've got nothing to do and my boredom is growing by the mini-second. Met my friend today. I was about to "come out" and then she got all nervous and stuff.

I mentioned to her that I did the "National Coming Out Day" stuff at the university and she asked "there isn't something you want to tell me is there?" in that joking voice of hers.

Then she laughed. Then she said, "you don't have to be gay to do that stuff do you?"

I said, "No."

She sighed in a laughing touch of relief.

I then said, "You can be Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender..."

*I could tell she looked a bit nervous*

I continued..."or an ally."

She sighed and laughed as if I had said I was an ally when in fact I was just stating a plain, obvious observation.

She said, "I think you like to do things just for the plain shock factor sometimes."

The conversation went on.

I lost my chance.

Big deal.

She was talking about how the men in her office acted like such male chauvenists and how "men" in general fit that description. Then she said "No offense." Why the hell would I take offense? I'm only physically male. But she doesn't know that. So fuck it.

Then when we were leaving and walking out the double exit I was trailing behind and tried to rush to keep up after leaving the clerk's desk. She thought I was trying to rush to get the door for her.

She said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to get the door for me? Here, you can get the next one."

I wanted to hit her. Don't ask why. I just did. I opened the door with a smile and said, "Don't worry. I'm not like your chauvenist friends who conform to societal norms."

She laughed and we both got in my car so I could drop her off at the mall.

What a day. So I'm not as "out" as I wish I could be. Maybe that's why I'm such a fan of people like Richard Hatch. They have that ability to show they don't care what society thinks of them. They are who they are and don't give a shit about conformities or bigots. I like that. I strive to be more like that every day. Maybe one day I will be.

Well, I'm off for the world of night to take refuge within my wonderful bed of sleep. Perhaps we shall meet again upon this sea of life. If we shall, then wonderful. If we shall not, then that is fine too. Good night and God bless.

- Rachel-Michelle

current mood: stressed

(comment on this)

7:48 am - Early to Bed and Early to Rise Makes a Girl Healthy, Wealthy, and Despised...
Woke up this morning very early. I feel like I'm choking on my eugola (can't spell; it's that thing in your throat). Have a terrible sore on it right now. I've got about two hours before I meet Caren. Oh God...I'm nervous. I don't even know EXACTLY how to get there. I'm so terrible with directions. Usually have to get a map. It's nice to have a day off though. Might actually get by the bank today. Wouldn't that be nice?

I saw an old high school friend of mine the other day (called Derek for purposes of this journal). He's gone off to join the marines. I'm kinda proud of the guy. He always to do that. Ever since we were freshmen that's all he ever talked about. He and his commander person and another private came up to our booth during NCOD and were actually quite nice. I find a lot of tolerance in military officials these days (at least from the enlisted). The commander person even offered to make a donation. We weren't accepting them at the time ... but when your budget is four dollars, a pack of spoiled bubble-gum, and a torn thread of string ... how can ya resist? Anyway, don't worry. We didn't take the poor man's money. But it was nice seeing Derek fulfilling his dream. I asked if he thought he would be sent to the front lines. He replied with a laugh saying "Come on. It's me. They wouldn't want to put ME up there." I understood what he meant. He's a little psycho. He'd probably sell guns to the enemy. j/k (just kidding)

Okay, well I'm gonna go now and check through some mail and stuff. I can't get MSN messender to work. How sad. It was doing fine again and then ... nothing. Oh well. We'll just have to rely on more reliable means of communication these days.

Until next time .... Farewell.

current mood: okay

(comment on this)

Friday, October 12th, 2001
5:25 pm - Looking Back
Other than the previously mentioned, NCOD was okay. We watched a short film at the university with a pretty nice turn-out. The interview went good. Helped to spread the education. My psychologist wants me to meet an ftm who is on campus. I say "what the heck." It might be interesting. Never met one before. And they get so little press as it is. It seems just as LGBT is interpreted as "gay" so also is transgender interpreted as "mtf." Kinda sad. Of course, I don't know if a lot of publicity is necessarily always a "good" thing but with publicity comes publication ... and thus literature for the curious mind. Oh well. We'll see how that goes. In the mean time, I've got tomorrow with my friend to look forward to. Hope all goes well. Wish me luck. I had set up my VCR to record survivor (i keep all of them on tape) and President Bush caused it to be delayed. I was really pissed off. Luckily, however, my dad caught it on tape and so I'll just grab a copy ... for historical sake. Okay, well I don't know how I did on my astronomy test but we'll all hope for the best. I'm feeling a lot better now. Glad I had a chance to cool off. I think the therapy had something to do with that. See ya later.

current mood: refreshed

(comment on this)

9:51 am - Brief Comment on NCOD (National Coming Out Day)
So the big day has passed us. What a day. Only about three morons of religious "salvationism" stopped by during the day. Honestly, I don't know what these people's problems are. Do they obviously not see the entire point behind this event?

NCOD is not a day for arguing the "moralities" of homosexuality, bisexuality, and transgenderism. It is instead a day meant to help those who have suffered through the persecutions of society and survived. It is meant to give them comfort in knowing that there are other people who have lived through what they are experiencing and to show that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is meant to help them feel more comfortable with themselves...and help them feel comfortable about BEING themselves. Drop the conformities and live a life of joy and happiness. THAT IS WHAT THIS DAY WAS FOR.

Obviously when some religious freaked out asshole takes advantage of a day meant to help those who feel alone to stake claim in raising "moral" issues for debate it pisses me off. I'm not there to argue with them...but I'll be damned if I'm going to let them try to run all over NCOD when I have been more than nice with their dumbass booths and events. Never once have I approached their booths to raise argument. Not once. Sure, I've wanted to tell all of the baptists, republicans, and other religious wackos how stupid they are from time to time...but the difference is that I don't act upon "hot-headed" situations and allow such screwed up people to get under my skin. I don't use their events as an excuse to raise hell over their anti-LGBT bullshit. That's the difference. And if they think I'm going to just sit there and listen to their garbage...they're even more stupid than I originally thought.

Here's the deal. Because of assholes like this preaching that "moral" garbage (which isn't even backed by their own scriptures), other people take it as an excuse to hate the LGBT community. Therefore, because of this hate, I lose 19 years of my entire childhood. So...let's review. Because of these assholes who stopped by the booth ... I lost my childhood. Why the hell should I be entitled to put up with their shit for another Godforsaken fifteen minutes? And they wonder why some of us lose our cool with them? How ignorant can one be? They owe me 19 years...and God only knows how much I'd love to rob them of their childhood. I would take such joy in robbing them of those years. That would be heaven on earth.

These are the only straight people who piss me off. The large majority of those who stopped by were rather nice and polite. We had some 80 persons stop by (A NEW RECORD!!!) and we were very pleased with that. But those few three assholes ... those are the ones that are hard to forget. And by God ... if I ever see them at a booth ... I don't care what they're promoting ... I'm gonna raise hell. It's an eye for an eye in this day of light. Especially when you are oppressed. How many times do I have to say it? Sooner or later if you keep kicking people around ... they're gonna start kicking back.

current mood: pissed off

(comment on this)

Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
9:23 pm - My Bedtime Lullaby of Complaints
I just got back from driving twenty minutes to the university and then twenty minutes back just because my composition teacher decided to call off class at the last minute. That really pisses me off. Forty minutes on the night...through town...and now back again. Just got out of the shower really.

I am so tired. I know I said I was tired earlier...but right now I am REALLY REALLY TIRED. I can barely keep my eyes open. A friend of mine (called Cathy for purposes of this journal) was there at the university to greet me and tell me the glorious news that I had to go all the way back home. She was rather cheery today. I classify her as the flaunty type. She sort of (unintentionally) gets on my nerves. Her very pressence pisses me off...but she's still my friend. And she means well. Were it not for her constant smile and loud laughing nature and flaunty attitude...I might be having the time of my life tonight. I keep thinking...that should be me.

Well, I just got the directions corrected for my interview place. Speaking of interviews (as they relate to jobs) I haven't really gotten in touch with my co-workers much this week. Saw Mark today, but it was only briefly. He was preparing for some art drawing class. He helped me look up a bunch of stuff on the Challenger mission (the space shuttle that blew up in 1986 for all of you history-deprived people reading this). Ronald Reagan told Americans soon after this tragedy to not lose hope. He said that there would be many more shuttle missions and many more civilian teachers to go on these missions as well. After that, it wasn't until about three years later that another shuttle was launched...and to this day no civilian has dared enter into such a space craft.

Well, that is your history lesson for today. Looking back, I only had one class today. That pisses me off too because I could have stayed home since 9:00 AM this morning. Just thinking of all that time...all of that wasted opportunity to rest ... or even study. I still haven't done that. I've been trying to grab the time. Right now is the first breath of actual free time I've had all day. I've written a few other entries today...but mostly in a rush...or in between classes with 10 minutes to spare...only to be posted later for a back date posting. I do that a lot. Just in case anyone was wondering why my earlier posts keep on just "popping" up hours later.

Aside from all of these things, I got this stupid forward from a friend (I will call Caren for purposes of this journal). She's the one who is coming to town this Saturday. The forward was about how "moral" and "faithful" George W. Bush has been....What a load of *@#*($*....Bush is the worst president we've had since ... well ... Bush. Hm. Interesting the way that plays out. I don't know about the rest of the country and Bush's alledged 90% backing...but I still think he's an idiot.

Well, i was going to mention that forward earlier but forgot to. That was the thing I had trouble remembering. I was gonna bitch about it ... but right now I can't find the ambition. I'm just so damn tired ... and pissed off ... again. Sorry for anyone who doesn't want to hear this constant complaining campaign. I'm just really not in the mood for much of anything right now.

Good night and sweet dreams to you all!!! *HUGS*n*KISSES* !!!

- Rachel-Michelle

current mood: bitchy

(comment on this)

4:53 pm - Unbreakable Union of freeborn republics, great Russia has welded forever to stand...
Yes, all rise for the national anthem. Okay, don't then.

I've been doing nothing all day. Well, not all day, just most of the day. My theatre class was cancelled again. Nothing new there. I have composition tonight...and I really don't want to go back to town. Well...tomorrow is Coming Out Day so I'll be studying for my astronomy test tonight...obviously having no time tomorrow to do so. I also need to pick up a scan tron for that. Remind me to do that in the morning, would you?

Well...I don't know about you, but I'm tired. Completely exhausted. I'm surprised I'm even writing much of anything at all. I shouldn't even be here right now. That kinda sucks. I was going to say something here but now that I'm here have forgotten what I was going to say. I hate it when that happens. Especially when I'm tying up perfectly good entry space just to talk about it. I have another counseling session Friday. I keep forgetting that. And don't forget, I have that thing on Saturday with my friend. I'm writing all this down so that I'll remember tomorrow. and the next day and the day after that. I had an assignment I was supposed to finish but haven't really found the time into doing it just yet. Hopefully I'll find the time in the next two hours. If not, that is completely okay too. I'll just wing it. No problem with that.

Okay, well I'm sure I'll remember what I was going to say any minute now, but for now I'm going to have to let you go as I am completely at a loss for words. I know, odd for me, right?

Well, see ya.

current mood: exhausted

(comment on this)

2:20 pm - 10-10-220
Hey, look! It's 10-10-220!

current mood: curious

(comment on this)

9:50 am - Being Rachel-Michelle
I do not threaten. I find threats to be some sort of a mad game of cowardice where one outlines their sick plans to the victim before even making an inch of effort toward fulfilling them. Threats come in form of anxiety rushes, passionate logic, and hot-headed ignorance. A lethal combination of deadly thoughts brought into the use of vocal admiration. To see or not to see. That is the question. Look with your vision, not with your eye.

I saw her again. This time it was while I was still awake. Well, I've been awake before I should say at such times, but this time I was pre-occupied and I still saw her. She was walking toward me. A smile on her face. Happy. I remember the first time I saw her. Or at least the first time I knew I had seen her. She was at a party. It was night. Drinks were in everyone's hand. Laughing and jokes and music and the lights were just perfect. Very dim. But not too dim as to distract from what was indeed important. Was it scarlet and black? I dare not remember. I have trouble remembering. I remember at this time, but not at that time. She's grown from that, though. I remember.

No, today was quite different and I feel the tug of my mind reaching myself toward a third refuge. The first was sadness, a longing depression of unprecedented pain. A suicidal thought of frustration. A feeling of hopelessness. The second was anger. The rushing fuel of hatred rushing through my bones to point the finger at those who did nothing. Sometimes even at the very root which gave itself light. But now we see a third refuge. One that I can not even begin to understand. A feeling of ... insanity? Is it that I'm going insane ... or is it that I'm finally becoming sane? Without any norms by which to judge a society by I should stake claim in the fortune that such thoughts might not always be as definate as they first seem. Have I finally lost it?

Control is such an over-rated terminology. We control our lives ... or at least what we can from them. Is God an enemy, an ally, or non-existant? Is there such a thing as self-identity? Is it possible to transport thoughts into action when you've run out of them both?

Here is an exercise I dare ask we try. Look to your mirrors and look to your thoughts. A reflection is in both. When you think of yourself ... picture yourself ... do you see the person in the mirror who stares back in blank non-existant thought. A mimic of what you are? Or do you see yourself from another point of view ... do you see yourself as you envision yourself? Is the person in your mind the person who stares back at you right now in that mirror? Or are they a stranger upon opening your eyes? Does it take you a moment to remember who you are ... and does it take you another depressing night of sleep deprevation and tears to remember who you are to conform into being? A day apart from yourself will not bring these thoughts. However, 19 years will. When you have little to nothing to compare your voyages to, does it even matter at all? What are we here for anyway? Does anything truly matter in the long run?

Create for yourself a pattern of these thoughts. Think them yourselves. For if you can truly see yourself within any mirror ... if you can stare into that blank non-existant mind and actually find some truth into your self-identity ... be thankful. Sometimes ignorance is bliss ... and by no means do I dare tangle with that clear definition. It does us a service to understand ourselves, but not always a good service. I see now that the clock is ticking. It's been ticking a good long while. You can hear it if you really want to. Just close your eyes and listen. Isn't it a beautiful sound?

current mood: lonely

(comment on this)

Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
9:51 pm - Could you tell me how to get to Utopia please?
I finished my lab early today. I was the first one out the door. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. Came home, took a shower, had I'm here again. I don't necessarily know what it is that I'm waiting for...but I find myself in anxious awaitment for something to come.

The series "The Education of Max Bickford" has a TG transsexual character. Just in case anyone didn't know that. I think they're doing a fairly good job...though an actual transsexual would have done the trick much better. I find they do that more than often these days...get a gg to play a tg. Hm. I think a tg would know the character a bit more and it might seem more realistic. I'm a little disappointed by that, but ultimately they are doing the awareness campaign a fairly large favor...and it's richard it.

Survivor premiers pretty soon. Interesting. Reality television makes a comeback.

Yesterday in composition class we were talking about "conforming to identities" and the experiences of everyone. I felt like throwing up from anger everytime I heard one of the girls in the room talk about how they hated being "stereotyped" as female. Jesus! What the hell is there problem?! Ya know what, I've got an idea. Why don't they trade places with me for a, an hour...matter of fact, make it fifteen minutes. By the end of it they'd be screaming and going insane. Maybe they'd be a little less "bothered" by such things in the future. I have no sympathy toward those things. So sue me. Better yet, trade places with me a few days. It won't take long before we see eye-to-eye I guarentee you.

I find there is a growing divide within my personality, and it seems to scare me at times. There is the good me...and then there is the bad me. The good me comes from all of the good thoughts I have about one day being the person I've always known I was. The transition process has sparked this personality. I feel good about wanting to come out and be myself. The good me is a happy, joyful, optimistic person. And it's nice. And then there's the other me. I don't know if "bad" is the right terminology. More like angry. And I do get angry. Mostly at everyone who isn't like me. I've had trouble relieving that hatred which sparks within me. It's nobody's fault that I am who I am, but yet we sometimes find refuge into that very notion. It doesn't take much to spark that. I have trouble dealing with that portion of myself at times, so therefore some of these entries may seem harsh at times...but hey, that's what they're for. To express from within. To show that the character of who I lived is dead and the true me is alive. Therefore, I apologize to anyone who reads this and feels offended. This isn't much of anything other than an insight into my thoughts. Do with it what you will.

Split personality? No. Just psychotic I guess. Living a life in hiding. Living a life where everyone around you makes you feel angry. Living a life where you can truly never be...happy. However, we must survive through looking toward that which is more suitable to the senses. We can not and must not concentrate on items which provoke ourselves to go mad.

Anyway, the composition discussion pissed me off. I was really burning by the time I got home. They want to know about identity conformation? Read my autobiography when I write it. That's practically the title.

I've got an early class tomorrow...which I'm not too excited about. Anyway, point being that it is now 10:09 and I've been up since around 6:00 this morning and the ultimate tiresome nulling of the body is beginning to take effect upon me. I believe that I will now be bidding you all goodnight. Sleep tight, everyone. We've still got another few years to go.



current mood: pissed off

(comment on this)

3:45 pm - The G.G. Series: The Flower Debate, The Foe, and The Ally
The following entry was requested to be put into this journal. The G.G. series is actually a very long and comprehensive series on the way G.G.'s view T.G.'s and the way T.G.'s view G.G.'s. It's one of those iffy topics that never really get anywhere...and hey, I was bored at the time. So, read only if you have the time. This is just a brief summary of the main points from the three articles I did. And keep in mind, this was like five to six months ago (half a year for all you who don't know already) and my opinions as well as those researched are always on the virge of changing. Therefore, I took the more universal ideology and transferred it onto this summary. Hopefully, it will provide a little insight. I doubt it will, but just deal!


A rose flower blooms itself into a new life: one with both meaning and history. The historic signicance establishes something that can be both beautiful and relaxing to the mind. Hopefully, with time, all roses will reach their peek of life. They will be like every other flower in the garden. But we know now such things are merely fiction when compared to the establishment of civilized society. For not all roses bloom. In fact, many of them wither away.

Create meaning within something as simple as the flower and you will do your senses great work. Logic is found through such metaphors. Sure, it may seem irrelevant at first, speaking in a tongue which emphasizes things into much larger proportions than those which were originally set forth, however it also allows us to create a reflection and magnification upon the smaller problems of society itself through the relationship it can establish alongside something such as the rose. The rose represents us all. Some roses are red. Some roses are white. The color of the rose gives it a certain clairvoyance that (unless the recipient is color-blind or blind in general) enhances our sense of sight and teases our sense of understanding. For white roses are not red, and likewise red roses are not white. These are the physical aspects of the flower. It would be impossible, then, to relate this small item into something more complex or associate it with something that is not much the same.

These are called our little negative factors. They break down the ultimate idea we bring to our tables of thought and create blocks which are never overcome by the answers themselves. Instead, it becomes a constant maze of hurdles and barriers...none of which will ever be conquered. Therefore, our metaphor dies slowly...but dies surely.

Gender is only skin deep. I remember hearing that, but do not recall from whom. The lie it rallies is one built upon the idea of conforming. Conforming to gender roles, in other words. They say that males and females are a certain way not because they were born this way but because of the way society shaped them. I was then told that transgenderism could not be a real thing in the world, since it was impossible to be born with traits that were instilled as to what male and female were. However, what they fail to realize is something that remains still very obvious to the rest of us. Gender may be shaped by society. However, that does not mean transgenderism isn't real. It means simply that even we as transgendered persons reflect society. In other words, if females acted in a different manner than that of the way they do in todays society, the transgender community of mtf would follow these manners much as the gg follows them. It is a gender identity crisis, not a gender conforming crisis. What we fail to realize in our current world is that those who are mtf were born with thinking patterns, thought processes, and ultimately personalities which were female. This, of course, being vice-versa for those in the ftm community. So therefore the only thing that could determine a pre-op transsexual to being male would be birth biological physical sex. Is this truly all we measure gender upon? No. It's not. Go to any social institution or any simple conversation and you will see differences come into play. It has a lot to do with the way the mind works. The way the mind is constructed. Therefore, what is FACT and what is FICTION upon the gender norm scale? God only knows, and that isn't the intended purpose of this entry anyway. I'm just ranting on about useless information to those who know little to nothing about much of anything within all things tg.

Well, actually, I keep saying tg when I should be saying ts, but I'm also writing intended for people who don't know anything about anything so I don't think they'll really care all that much. Identities change every so often anyway. There are still people in the world today who don't know there is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual identity. They also don't know the difference between gender identity and sexual identity. Good lord, this is the problem in the first place! Thank God for programs like GLSEN. And then those opposed to such institutions argue that they already know enough and don't need to know any more and can't tell me the differences of the before mentioned and then we're all screwed cause you can't really teach an old dog (ignorant republican) new tricks.

All things aside, there is somewhat of an interesting mysticism that goes along with the presence of the G.G.. Sometimes this mysticism is welcoming, bracing ourselves to learn more of ourselves (or at least the exterior of the person we were meant to be). But other times...and most every time ... this mysticism is unwelcomed. The G.G. have, by large majority of indirect influence, been an enemy to very essence of the earlier gender identity disorder. I needn't remind those reading of the feminist papers which shunned such acts of transgenderism as hurting their own movements (However, let it be said that in more modern terms both the feminist movement and the transgender movement have become allies. For example, GenderPAC has become a leading drive on the political agenda for both parties mentioned. This is for historical referance only.). They have done very little on this trek alone, though the article involved is not meant in any way to be a hostile one, as they have done very much in the way of learning the adaptation of these functions. What seperates these persons from joining our own struggles and battles? Very simple. They have the mental capacity...they just lack the history. We are separated by the plain notion that while for our lives we have been cursed...their lives were placed with great normalcy. Though not always the brightest of paths, their lives were much more pleasant than ours. While we stand robbed of childhood, they stand moving into the next portion of their lives. They are not robbed. They are not ridiculed. They have something that the majority of us never did. In name, this function is called "having a normal life." Life to the ill-wounded is life to the ill-founded, on a more philosophical note. Do not recall the names of those who have indeed been nothing short of ungreatful toward their very lives...for they shall not be allies. Nor shall those who constantly flaunt such tastes for self-worth. They shall be enemies, and their name shall be one of genetic statute, but this is not a universal terminology, and nor should it be mistaken for one. For while there are many who contribute to the cause of struggle, they do not do so intentionally. They were deprived of the knowledge we dare preach. And then there are those who learn this knowledge for themselves, and eventually become allies to the cause. For though there are wolves in sheep's clothing and seem to be nothing short of kind friends, gentle creatures, and upfront allies...their very presence brings the painful longing and irritation which has provoked so many of our kind to commit themselves to ending their own lives and thus begin a track leading upon the idea of death and a constant longing for a presence of a higher power. Do these brothers and sisters under our banner not know what fight it is we take part in? Do they not see the problem faced before them? The world was not created for alliances. The world was created for wars. The battlelines were drawn far long ago. Why can't we see them? Why does it take so very long for us to understand and know them?

I sat there, aside the G.G. who ridiculed my life by flaunting her own within the presence of my enemies. She had no remourse for such actions, but rather a longful grin which constantly popped up every third second of the hour. There is that hope of a better tomorrow instilled within my thoughts, but unless I can figure some way into understanding the very presence of my actions this day, I may never find what it is we need to for alliances to follow. For how can she, this daughter of genetic glory, flaunt such a lifeless soul into the misdemeanor of humor, glamour, and the fortune of life itself? The logic pours from my scalp and now the emotion dwindles itself so much farther into my skin. I feel it as if it somehow were to make me a better person from that which I was only seconds ago. Is there truly a pure light in all of the chaotic thoughts which follow us to here? Or is there something more thoughtful ... something more rational ... something less soothing to the soul but far more soothing to the ultimate logic of our situation? For if these few numbered G.G.'s are truly the enemy, we must also understand and represent those of the genetic nature who would ally themselves to our cause. Who are these few? They are those who understand through a third eye vision. Only a select group of persons in this world will ever dream of seeing through this third eye of thought, but those who do will never regret it as it will represent a life-long struggle built within the compounds of life itself. Not even the tg can truly look through the eye of the third. It is one granted to those outside the norm. They try to understand where they can not, and for that very action they should be given a "just" praise.

If we refuse to allow them entrance into our movement, we have denied them what we were denied so long ago. Therefore, the genetic world of identity straightness will be granted great commitment within our ranks as known allies on a field of battles and hardships. There is no greater ally to the movement than those who see with a third eye. Therefore, I salute those who have become a part of this movement through choice. Your passions and your ambitions will help to breed a new class of persons within society. A class with ambition for the future. A class of equality and understanding. For that, we tip our hats and we extend our hands of gratitude in a firm handshake of friendship.

In other words, a summary of the before mentioned would simply state that the presence of the gg indirectly creates chaos within the mind of the tg. So, G-girls and T-girls are not exactly born allies nor enemies. The confusions pile up and before long hate might seem a suitable refuge to fall into. Hate is always an easy path, just not always a correct path. And though all of this is true, the gg who allies with the tg should still be treated with the greatest of honor and the highest of praise. Though the presence isn't always a welcomed one by the is a welcomed one by the heart.

Okay, well that's all for now. I'm finally leaving at the end of an entry....I know, it's great. But I am leaving. I know, I know. You'll all miss me, but hey, I'm hungry! I haven't eaten in a while. And I also have a stupid astronomy lab tonight. So anyway, Goodbye. Maybe I'll talk to you again before the day is out. I'd stake my life on it, but I wouldn't count on it.

See ya.

current mood: peaceful

(comment on this)

Monday, October 8th, 2001
3:13 pm - The scene has changed...but the audience has stayed the same.
Hello again! I'm just back in from the university (got in about an hour ago). Just ate a little pizza, watched a little tv, and decided to write a little nonsense. I have a nightclass again tonight. So, I'm leaving around 7:20. Just put clothes into the washer.

The title of this entry describes something that happened today. I met up with a group of old friends. Well, there were about five or so of them there. They were juniors in high school last year but now are doing the whole "joint enroll" thingy. It was nice seeing them again. I felt a little like my old self again, cracking jokes that people actually laughed to. I feel good having had an audience which I knew again. It's so easy to entertain when you know who the audience is. That has been my NUMBER ONE problem with the sudden change. This year I'm just scoping out the atmosphere. You don't want to make a bad first impression with some of these people. Anyway, a little into the conversation thing some guy came up and invited us to some "jesus praise" thing. I don't know what it really was, but I asked about a dozen questions just to entertain those around me. It seemed to work, as they laughed everytime a brought up "just one final question please." The guy was a good sport though. Well, maybe there is some "character" left within me after all. But who cares? I'm entitled to a little fun here and there, aren't I?

Can't seem to get messenger to work. Don't know if that's because of my computer or the service.

Anyway, that was a lot of fun (though it lasted only about an hour). That was cool. Oh yeah! And earlier this morning when I was on my way to orientation class I saw my theatre teacher and he actually recognized me. Odd. I don't have any professors that recognize me (other than in composition, but that's another story entirely). I think I know why. We got back our mid-terms today. I made another 100. I have a perfect score in that class. I think if I make another 100 I get to exempt the final exam. Though I'm not worried about the final in that class, it still would be nice. Meanwhile, I think I have that astronomy test coming up on thursday....Coming Out Day....Great scheduling, Professor!

I ran a few story ideas through my head today. Haven't really made any real "decisions" as to what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning toward some of my more earlier layouts for ideas. Maybe I'll actually "do" something out of the "to-do" file. That would be a nice change to things.

Okay, I'm going to go and run now (not literally though). It's not's you. You're boring me to death. Okay, maybe not. I still love you...whoever you are. And by the way, why are you reading my journal? Hm. As if television isn't entertaining enough so that you'd have to spend time out of your day to come here and read all about me. Well, it's my own bloody fault for making it a public "on-line" journal. What in bloody blazes was I thinking? And why do I keep saying "bloody?"


Well, I'm off to decipher them all now. Farewell and enjoy your day!

current mood: happy

(2 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page